


Lay Me Down

by caleprwrite



Series: Plus Size Reader [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Sam Smith Song, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Dollface - Freeform, F/M, Fainting, Fluff and Smut, HYDRA sucks, Kinktober 2018, Reader-Insert, Super Soldier Serum, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting, What are the Magic Words?, body image issues, plus size character, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-08-08 06:42:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16424378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caleprwrite/pseuds/caleprwrite
Summary: This picks up where Bucky and Dollface (his pet name for the reader) from Calibration left off, but almost one year later. They're in love, they're hot for each other, and THINGS happen.





	1. Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?

**Author's Note:**

> To get a little backstory on Bucky Barnes and Dollface in this context, you can read my earlier fic titled "Calibration" but it's not necessary.
> 
> This fic wasn’t at all planned. I have too many WIPs but when it hits, it hits and you gotta do something with it, ya know?

The room was dead silent, save for the sounds of your labored breathing. You tried to slow your rate, to focus on anything outside of the rhythmic thud, thud, thudding of your heartbeat but the sound in your ears was too loud, drowning out anything else.

You shifted against the restraints, giving the ones above your head an experimental tug with your wrists. You had to be careful though, because if you pulled too hard in the wrong direction, they’d just tighten further and make it impossible to move. You frowned in frustration and tried to open your eyes against the cloth covering them, but it was no use.

“Give up yet?” a voice from the corner of the room rasped.

You heard a dark chuckle in response to the way your entire body jumped at the sound of his voice. The laugh wasn’t static either, rather it moved about the room, circling you as though you were wounded prey.

But you were stubborn. In your mind, the only way to end it was to free yourself. You refused to accept the possibility of any other outcome, so you twisted against the bindings again, trying a new strategy as he hummed in approval at your frantic movement. But you’d decided. This was the day. He wasn’t going to win. It just. **_twist!_** Wasn’t. **_pull!_** Going to. **_twist!_** Happen. **_yank!_**

You wriggled free of the bindings around your wrists just in time to shove the blindfold up and off of your eyes. The bright light in the room was piercing to your vision, so you squeezed your eyes shut again. Even as you tried to get up, you felt the heavy weight of his body above yours, shoving you back down. There was warm breath against your neck then cool metal playing across the skin there, coming to a stop against the very center of your throat.

You were convinced - positive even - that he wouldn’t hurt you. You knew this because he’d already had every opportunity to kill you, yet you were still there. Sure, he had you pinned from a superior position. And yes, there was _something metal_ angled toward a fragile part of your anatomy.

But he wouldn’t hurt you. Could never do such a thing.

You opened your eyes slowly enough to get used to the light that had been kept out by the blindfold; opened your eyes and grinned. The loving expression looking back down at you made you smile wider.

“Proud of yourself, Dollface?” Bucky asked.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, soft and sweet and just this side of not enough. “You bet your sweet ass I am. Got my hands free _and_ took off the blindfold before you could pin me back down.” 

He arched a cocky brow at your attitude and breathed out a chuckle. “Maybe I let ya win, you ever consider that?” he teased.

You cupped his jaw, leaning up and pecking the smirk currently teasing at the corners of his beautiful lips. “Nope. I think you must be gettin’ slow in your old age, Barnes.”

Bucky’s eyes widened and he drew in an exaggerated gasp, “Oh really, that your professional opinion, Doc?”

You took full advantage of the split second he was off guard. You bucked your hips up and to the side, pulling his flesh wrist in and throwing him off balance as you rolled over and took the superior position, pinning him down by his forearms and wrapping your legs around his powerful thighs, just like he taught you.

You weren’t delusional. You knew there was no way you’d _actually_ pull one over on the former Winter Soldier so easily. It was still fun though, and Bucky laughed out loud, eyes crinkling with his bright smile shining up at you. Suddenly he schooled his expression and spoke in the iciest tone he could muster while simultaneously doing his level best to not kiss you silly.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he growled low, “now I won’t show you any mercy.”

“Showing mercy’s for wimps,” you scoffed, sitting back and patting the flat of his belly. “I thought you were- _aah! Stop! Stop!”_ you squeaked as he flipped you over and tickled your soft flesh mercilessly.

“Nu-uh, not ‘til you say the magic words!”

 _“Uncle! Uncle!”_ you gasped, limbs flailing, but he didn’t stop.

He leaned in, pushing your shirt up and blowing out hard against your stomach, making the _least sexy_ noise possible. “That’s one...”

“Oh my God... _Bucky!”_ you wheezed, and tried to get loose again but it was no use. He was a super soldier and you were just a professional nerd, Ph.D, if you will. “Okay, okay! Uhm, _Captain America!”_

“What?!” he barked, fully offended and you laughed harder.

That is, until he blew a deep breath against your stomach again. He came up, giving you _a look._ His eyebrow that was cocked _just so_ practically dared you.

“That's two, you sure you wanna try me?”

He lightly dug his fingers into your hips, right where you were most sensitive to tickling. You squawked out an endearingly awkward noise halfway between _aah!_ and _ugh!_ before trying the next thing that came to mind.

_“Wait! Okay, uhm, Hydra sucks!”_

Bucky pulled back to look at you, still grinning but pursing his lips with an expression of consideration on his face. “I'll give ya ten points for that one, but… _nope!_ That's three!”

You screeched out his name as he blew against your skin for the third - and worst - time. This one wasn't on your stomach. No, that would be too much to ask. This time he turned you and got the soft skin of your side, just above your hip. It was by far the most sensitive spot on your body he could have possibly chosen, and you wheezed out in laughter, cackling and crying actual tears before he let you go to catch your breath.

“Okay, oh my God, I give up,” you panted out and once your breathing returned to some semblance of normalcy, you scooted closer, curling into his embrace. You lightly trailed your fingertips across the soft skin of his bare chest as you lay with your head on his shoulder, both of you still breathing hard and grinning like a pair of idiots. “What were the magic words?”

“If I tell you…” he began slowly and you snorted another laugh.

“What, you’ll have to kill me? So original, this guy,” you teased, rolling your eyes. You grinned, rising up on one elbow to hold his jaw and bring his lips to yours.

He responded with an even deeper kiss, running his fingers through the back of your hair with one hand and grabbing onto your hip with the other, his hand wandering to your rear and palming the soft flesh there. That kiss was one for the record books, one that gave you goosebumps and made your toes curl, because _good God,_ the things James Buchanan Barnes could do with his tongue. You were pretty sure they might actually be illegal in a few states.

“If I tell you, you gotta promise to say ‘em next time I ask you for something,” he rumbled low, voice thick with desire.

Your mind may have been racing to figure out what he was getting at, but your heart jumped right in and played along. You nibbled your lip and crawled on top of him, straddling his hips. Bucky’s hands trailed up your curvy thighs, fingertips teasing your soft skin. Your hips began to move gently on their own volition, and you felt him below you as he hardened the rest of the way.

“I _have to_ say ‘em?” you asked innocently, grinding against his erection.

He held your hands, lightly threading your fingers together and pulled you in for another kiss. When he let you go, he grabbed two hands full of your ass, squeezing possessively. You propped yourself up with one arm and held his jaw with the other, kissing him teasingly. He nipped up at you and wrapped you in his arms before pulling back and holding your gaze in all seriousness.

“Gotta promise me, sweetheart.”

Never let it go unsaid that Bucky Barnes can be a total shit. He knew that by leaving you hanging like that, it would drive you nuts. He also knew that lightly trailing his fingers over your skin, like he was doing, was the fastest way to get you hot and bothered. So by engaging both your brain and your body, he was effectually holding you hostage.

“Okay, I promise, now _tell_ me,” you demanded, a breathy shiver breaking through your tone as his hands wandered deliberately.

He shrugged like it was nothing. Actually _shrugged,_ okay. “Alright, it’s ‘yes Bucky’,” he said simply and grinned, very satisfied with himself, apparently.

You sat back and shot him a confused look, brow furrowed. “That’s it? Like, you ask ‘can I have a cup of coffee?’, and I have to say _yes, Bucky?”_

“That’s it, nice and simple.” He shrugged and faked a yawn, patting your hip like he wanted you to move off of him. “I think I’m gonna hit the sack, it’s getting late.”

 _“Bucky,”_ you protested with just a hint of a needy whine around the edges, circling your hips above him, “baby, aren’t you forgetting something?”

He flipped you unexpectedly, your head spinning by the lightning fast movement. Holy shit, you loved it when he manhandled you like that and couldn’t help but moan in pleasure as he rocked his hips against your core. The threadbare fabric of his pajama pants and the skimpy underwear you wore under his old NASA t-shirt were doing nothing to minimize the sensation of his cock teasing you.

He bent down to kiss you again, hot and demanding and perfect. You felt the cool metal of his vibranium hand push up under your shirt until it reached your breast, caressing and teasing, driving you crazy. His lips kissed over to your ear where he tugged gently, breath heating up your skin in the best way possible. Another soft moan broke free of your lips as he continued to tease, sucking hot kisses down the column of your throat and nipping a mark against that secret little spot that lit up every nerve ending in your body.

“Oh my God,” you whimpered. “Bucky _please.”_

You could feel the fabric of your underwear soaking through from where he teased you with his hard cock, grinding against you, swiveling his hips. God, you wanted him so bad.

No, you needed him.

You were well past just a simple _want._ You ran your hands down his sides, trailing your blunt nails up his powerful body and then down further, insistently pushing his pants down. You just had to have him, so you leaned up and kissed him deep and demanding as he fought to push your shirt off the rest of the way.

“Don’t you worry, Dollface, I could never forget to take care of you,” he assured you innocently. Well, as innocent as any man could say something like that while his talented fingers snuck beneath the fabric of your underwear.

“Oh, Bucky,” you whimpered when he took one of your pert nipples into his hot mouth, sucking and teasing with his tongue and teeth. Between his mouth and his fingers, you were in heaven, your breath coming in harsh pants and you continued to beg his name, “Bucky, oh God, _yeah...”_

Your hands carded through his soft, long hair as his lips continued to worship your breasts, tongue teasing and flicking at your sensitive buds. When he added in his teeth, gently dragging them across the desperate skin, the sensations were overwhelming. The ache deep in your core that could only be satisfied one way grew and you writhed against his hand, needing more.

His let go of your breast with an obscene wet ‘pop’ and he looked up into your eyes, smirking into another kiss as his fingers continued to tease your bundle of nerves, sliding in and out of your entrance. He pulled your bottom lip between his teeth and chuckled deep and low, a sound that said he was _very_ pleased with himself.  

“Goddamn, baby,” he grinned, his usually gentle baritone turned dark and full of lust. “You’re so beautiful. Look at this,” he praised, mouth running off on it’s own like it often did when you were intimate. “You’re so wet, and it’s all for me.”

He brought his fingers up to his lips and made a show of sucking them clean, his eyes fluttering closed and he groaned in pleasure at your taste and he rolled his hips against you again, teasing you with his perfect cock. You realized there wasn’t anything about him that you didn’t love, that you didn’t worship. He knew how to use every inch of his body to bring you pleasure so breathtaking, so intense, that sometimes you couldn’t do anything but just fall into the bliss.

Bucky kissed down your body again, lavishing more attention on your breasts. He sucked marks into your soft skin and the way his mouth claimed you was just this side of painful, but absolutely _perfect._

“Oh my God,” you whimpered as he mouthed your mound through your wet underwear, breathing hot through the fabric. “Bucky, _baby.”_

This time his vibranium hand twisted in the fabric and he looked up to you, a playful question in his eyes. You blushed and nodded, knowing what he was asking. It was one of those things he sometimes did that damn near drove you over the edge, but for some reason it also made you turn shy in a heartbeat.

No sooner did you tell him yes, than he bit you, sucking into the skin of your thigh and you felt the tug of his hand as you heard the fabric rip. He pulled the remnants of cloth away, tossing them carelessly to the floor.

You wondered what it was you ever did so right to be fortunate enough to have someone like him in your life. He was playful and knew how to have fun, extremely intelligent and quick witted, sweet and caring, protective, and he was fucking hot as hell too.

You wrapped your arms around his strong shoulders and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. Through it, you conveyed the love you had for him, worshipping every bit of him, inside and out. You felt him kicking his pants off the rest of the way and your heart skipped a beat. You were so close to getting what you wanted, the feeling of the fat head of his cock teasing as he coated himself with your wetness.

Your hands instinctively tugged the hair at the base of his head in response. God, you wanted him so much, absolutely needed him to fill you.

You looked up into his eyes to find him watching you with a hunger and desire so deep, the beautiful gray of his irises was a thinned ring, being swallowed by the darkness of his pupils. There was a flush high up on his cheeks and his brow was furrowed like he was working hard to hold something back. He looked totally wrecked, in fact you couldn’t ever remember seeing him this far gone.

“Please, Buck. Whatever it is, it's okay. I need you,” you begged into his mouth.

“I’m all yours, sweetheart. Always have been; always will be,” he promised.

His lips sealed over your own and he snapped his hips forward, the stretch of him entering you causing a sharp intake of breath ending in a cry of pleasure. You loved that part, that first moment of the two of you becoming one. There were few things better than that, literally and figuratively, him filling all of your senses.

He pulled back slowly before entering you again, his body tense as he did his best to stay in control. You could tell he was struggling, so you made a mental note to tell him to let go, just as soon as you could grasp the concept of spoken language again.

On that second thrust, he bottomed out, burying himself balls deep in your hot, wet entrance. You were filled and stretched around him, your body doing it’s level best to accommodate his length, his girth. Never let it be said that Bucky Barnes was not gifted in all the right ways. Not only was he very well endowed, he knew _just_ how to use his body to bring you to heights you’d only ever experienced with him.

Maybe it was because of the kick ass knockoff Hydra serum pumping through his veins, or perhaps it was the amount of experience he had before the war, before you. You didn’t care about the how's and whys. He was yours and you were his, and if the non stop praise pouring out of his mouth for you was any indication, he felt the same.

The two of you together just _worked._ And good God, the way Bucky worshiped your body? No man had ever made you feel as beautiful and treasured as he did, so Bucky kissed you hard and deep, snapping his hips against you and drawing desperate little noises of pleasure from your lips. He bit your lip again holding on with his teeth gently and let it go to smile down at you with awestruck wonder in his eyes.

“Christ, Dollface, you’re so good for me, so goddamned beautiful,” he growled, his vibranium hand holding you as it wrapped around your body.

He rested his weight on you just enough to remind you how truly massive and powerful he was before reaching back to grab a handful of your ass with his other hand. He squeezed possessively and then brought his hand flush against your skin _hard._ You whined desperately with the sting, begging for more.

 _“Bucky,_ mark me up, baby. I wanna _feel it all._  Wanna see it, too. C'mon, make me yours,” you begged and a feral grin spread across his lips. You knew exactly what that look meant.

It meant you’d be wearing your high neck tees for the next week or so. It meant that you’d be wearing some shorts over your suit when hanging out at the pool deck with the others that weekend. Unless, of course, you _really_ wanted to fuck with Bucky.

He loved seeing his marks on your skin, but only after he knew for sure that’s what _you_ wanted. Hell, the first time you asked, he’d practically come right there on the spot. Now that the two of you had been together for almost a year, you stepped it up a notch every now and then, “inadvertently” showing the skin in public, just enough to remind him how much you loved it. You could practically countdown the seconds as they passed between him seeing his marks on you in public to the nearest broom closet or empty conference room in the tower.  

It was a good thing Friday didn’t have physical eyeballs, because there probably wasn’t enough bleach in the world for them after a few of your trysts in the lab. Thank the gods for customizable security protocols. _Barnes-1917_ was your favorite.

Bucky wrapped both of his strong arms behind your back and sat back on his haunches, pulling you up with him and sliding into just that much deeper. You cried out with the intrusion, the way his cock entered you at the best angle possible. Add to the the stimulation you were getting from grinding against his pelvic bone, and you were finding it hard to hold on.

“Oh my God! Bucky, yeah, oh please,” you cried as the heat and pressure in the pit of your belly built, almost to the point of overflowing.

He thrusted up into you relentlessly, each time grinding against you a little more and _holding_ you there. It was the feral growls in your ear as he licked up the side of your neck, biting against that magic spot again and grunting deep with pleasure with every snap of his hips.

“I know you’re close, baby,” he huffed out in ragged breaths, doing his best to tease you, to push you over the edge.

You always tried to hold off until just before he was ready to come. It was better that way, for you. The first thrust and the final desperate moments were your drug, your absolute addiction. Since you weren’t on any birth control, at first you guys used condoms, but it just wasn’t the same for you. You hungered for him, velvet soft skin and heat and _man._

That meant that yes, you were taking chances, but so far him pulling out had been effective. Of recent, it left you feeling incomplete. Having him bring you to the point of release right before he came was amazing, and you weren’t complaining- not by a long shot. There was just still this deep, demanding, reckless part of you that wanted him to come deep inside of you, fill you up with a part of himself.

You were aware it made no logical sense, it was a primal, basic human need and one day you’d be able to act on it.

Someday.

So when you found yourself begging, heard the things coming out of your mouth, specific, demanding, desperate, you weren't surprised. Apparently your lizard brain was the one in control of your speech and your body craved it more than your logic advised against it.  

“Fuck, Dollface... you’ve never asked me for that before.” If the wild look in Bucky’s eyes was any indication, he was fully on board.

You gripped Bucky’s chiseled jawline with your smaller hands and wrapped yourself as tightly against him as you could, kissing him deep and dirty, begging, “I know, Buck, I know. I can’t help it. I just want it so bad.”

He met your eyes, your lips a hairsbreadth apart and a wild, yet fucked-out expression on his face. The two of you panted against one another’s lips, breathing the same air. You grinned ferally and clenched your walls around him, whispering your demand against his lips.

“Come inside me, Buck. Give it to me, please? I wanna feel it, want your come. Please. _Please…”_

“Together.” It wasn’t a request, it was a demand, and whatever it was in your repressed instincts that brought you to this point couldn’t do anything at that point. Only obey.

“Yes,” you gasped, head lulling back and nails scratching into the skin of his shoulders as you held on for all your worth. “Oh, God yes... Bucky! _I’m gonna come!”_

 _“Fuck,_ sweetheart,” he growled against your skin, holding your head by the back of your hair so your eyes met, and snapping his hips up and ordering you to come. _“Do it,_ look at me whenyoucome on my cock.”

He bit your bottom lip, a possessive, sharp kiss as he exploded deep inside you. He forced himself in deeper as you cried out, your walls milking him, taking everything from him and clamping down rhythmically around his cock.

The sensation of you reaching orgasm together was more than either of you expected. For him, being encased in your wet heat as your core choked his length, wringing every drop from his shaft was entirely new, because it was _you_ he felt. Above him, around him, everywhere you. _Only_ you.

Experiencing it yourself, though, for you it went deeper. You had a part of him, a part that was from then on yours and only yours. The heat of his come pulsing deep within your body, coating you from the inside out made you come harder than ever before. Your whole body shook and it was all you could do to cling desperately to Bucky, riding out wave after wave of pure bliss.

“Oh my God,” you shuddered, still clinging desperately to Bucky as he moved forward to lay you back against the bed. You kissed him, your movements uncoordinated and hesitant since your body’s basic instincts were still hijacking all coordination. It seemed the spasming in your core just intensified as he moved to settle above you, worshiping your lips, his body also pulsing in aftershocks as he continued to roll his hips against you.

“Babydoll, I love you so much. I love you…” he murmured against you as you held each other, both shaking and out of breath.

You looked up at him beatifically, “I love you, too Buck. I love you more than anything.”

He carefully pulled out of you, wincing in over sensitivity from the power of your shared release. When you were empty, you couldn’t help but let out a soft whine, feeling the mixture of your shared fluids slowly seeping out of you. You wanted to keep his come, to never let it go, but you knew your body and that you needed to get up and get clean.

After a few lazy moments, you moved to rise, and Bucky possessively wrapped you up in his arms. “Stay. Please.”

“Buck, I'll be right back."

"No. Stay here."

You huffed an endearing sight. "You know I gotta pee,” you giggled, finally able to put together logic more than simple phrases. And really, he asked for it. He knew how you were after making love, and he knew you had a bladder the size of a peanut.

He groaned in protest, but let you go. “You have to come back, I’m not done with you yet.”

He moved to prop himself up on one elbow to watch you walk to the bathroom, and you flushed shyly. All the days, weeks and months you two had been intimate. Numerous times he professed his undying love and devotion to you, telling you just how beautiful and sexy you were to him, you still had issues. It had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with yourself. You’d come so far in a short amount of time, but there was still work to do.

You’d get there. One day. You flushed the toilet and stood at the sink to wash your hands after cleaning yourself up, seeing a shadow pass under the door and you heard a knock when it stopped.

“I got the bed all made up, doll. How about you get that shower goin’ for us.”

You grinned at the girl in the mirror. Bruises and bite marks peppered her skin and there were blotches of red that you just knew were where hand and fingerprints had been. You loved every little bit of it.

You opened the door to find Bucky standing there, completely naked and sexy as fuck. You trailed your eyes down his body appreciatively, admiring the cut of his muscles, the unique olive tone of his skin. Then there was that chest and those arms, God those arms.

They were the ones that held you tight at night, wrapped you up when you weren’t feeling well, and playfully tossed you around in the bedroom. The very arms that had committed atrocities (okay so it was the old soviet-era arm, but whatever) and wiped out entire regimes were the ones that you wanted to be comforted in for the rest of your life. The arms that almost killed his best friend, broke free of conditioning, and now fiercely protected everything he loved.

You opened the door the remainder of the way and slid your hands up his strong chest. “You ready for decontamination, Soldier?” you teased.

It was corny and the snort of amusement let you know that yes, he was just as big of a dork as you were. He looked you over, a sudden heat brewing in his gaze again and he arched a cocky brow as he stalked into the room with you.

“Decontamination? Babydoll, I’m nowhere near done with you.”


	2. These tears, they tell their own story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day, things seem to change drastically. Over the course of a few weeks they go from bad to worse, but there's always a bright spot at the end, right? Maybe even two of them.

It’s not every day you wake up to the stark realization that you maybe didn't make the best choices the night before. The frequency, of course, depends on the recklessness with which you live your life. Take Steve Rogers, for example. One would think that with the way he lived, at least according to Bucky, the pure fact that he _had_ lived long enough to make it to the serum was a miracle in and of itself.

Speaking of the Captain, you stopped short just before making your way into the common living area. You were headed in to make Tony a few peanut butter sandwiches because he was cranky as hell and you were going to kill him if he didn’t eat something. When you saw it, though, you didn’t think the concerned look on Steve’s face was something you wanted in on.

When you noticed Bucky sitting quietly with his head in one hand, something flipped in the pit of your stomach and you couldn’t help but feel anxious. He had been abnormally distant that morning when you left early to get to the lab, and even though you thought the previous night was a huge step forward in your relationship, there was a palpable change.

There wasn’t anything you could put your finger on, but he just seemed _off._ All of the self-doubt and insecurities you’d pushed aside for the better chunk of a year came crashing back down, making you feel bigger than usual, awkward, out of place.

Should you have gone back home? He said he wanted you to stay, so that couldn’t be it. Could it? Maybe he wasn’t as invested in the relationship as you thought he-

“Hey, Buck, you okay?” you heard Steve ask as Bucky sat staring blankly into a probably cold cup of coffee.

You retreated further back into the hall just off the common room. Something deep down you weren’t very proud of convinced you to stay and listen, just outside of their view. Hearing Bucky sigh, you held your breath.

This was wrong.

You shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but you couldn’t bring yourself to stop. Perhaps it was the drastic change that morning compounded with self-doubt that was making you anxious. You just needed to know things were okay, was all.

“Yeah, I’m alright. Just got a lot on my mind, you know?” He made a noise and you assumed he tried to take a drink of the coffee. “Ugh, that was gross.”  

“Well how long you been sittin’ here?” Steve teased, chuckling at Bucky as he pulled a chair back and sat at the table with him.

“I dunno.”

You heard Steve sigh. “Okay, spill it. This is me you're talkin' to. What’s got you so wrapped up inside your own head?”

You heard him blow out a long breath. “I think I maybe fucked up, Stevie. Just should'a, I mean I wanna do somethin’... I mean, I almost...”

“Almost what?”

Bucky cleared his throat. “I don’t wanna keep goin’ on with her like we have been. It just doesn’t feel right," you heard him sigh. "Been trying to figure out how to say it for a while now. I just gotta man up and do it already.”

You barely heard Steve blow a low whistle over the sound of your heart pounding in your ears, thankful that you couldn’t actually see Bucky’s face from where you were. It would have killed you.

 _"Wow, Buck._ Are you sure about this? I mean, yeah... considering it's her, it makes complete sense. Can't imagine it's an easy thing to do, but I got your back, pal.”

 _Considering it's_ _you?_ What the hell was that supposed to mean? You were just a novelty, the nerdy, chubbygirl who was good enough to have fun with for a little while but not good enough for anything more?

Tears burned hot in your eyes and you caught a sob with your hand against your mouth, taking off as quickly and quietly down the hall as possible. Muffled sounds of their continued conversation carried through the space as the lift opened for you and you rushed forward, not wanting to hear anything else. It was only after the doors slid closed and you hit the button for the lab that you allowed the sob you were holding to break free. Leaning on the wall and folding in on yourself, you buried your face in your hands, sobs coming from someplace deep inside your heart.

_You were right._

_He didn’t want you anymore._

When the doors opened, you swiped roughly at your face, clearing away every evidence of emotion with the exception of the little hiccuping breaths you tried to fight back. Going straight for your desk to grab your things, you shoved your sunglasses on and pulled off your lab coat, tossing it carelessly. For once, you didn't give a shit if it landed on your chair or not, you just needed to get out of there.

When you brushed past Tony, he didn’t even look up, too wrapped up in his latest project to notice, and for once you were grateful for his absentmindedness. You pushed your glasses back up the bridge of your nose and headed to the lift, clumsily smacking the button for the lobby level.

“Fr-riday?” you stammered between shuddering breaths.

You tried breathing deep, a pathetic attempt to calm yourself down enough to be presentable for when you exited through the lobby.

It wasn’t working. You hated the thought of anyone seeing you in such a state, but you needed to get out of the building.

 _‘Yes Doctor?’_ the AI’s voice intoned. It may have been your imagination, but you could swear there was a sympathetic lilt to her tone.  

“I n-need to leave for today… I can’t - uhm - I don’t feel gold,” you stammered. “Please tell Tony.”

_‘Of course, Doctor.’_

Once outside, you squinted in the haze. There was a low pressure system settling over the city and the air, thick and oppressive, fell heavy on your shoulders. You allowed the tears to spill freely down your cheeks once you were out in the blessed, anonymous crowds, thankful that you had made it out of the Tower without being noticed.

Across the street you took the stairs down to the train, taking the first one to get you out of the city and back to your little apartment in Chelsea. You’d been staying overnight with Bucky more frequently, but still had your own place, and really, thank God for small favors. At least you didn’t have to find somewhere to live _on top of_ everything else.

Finding an empty corner on the late morning train, you tucked yourself in as best as you could, trying to become invisible. You stared out the window at nothing in particular, and tried to ignore the older woman down the aisle, looking at you sympathetically, like she knew a broken heart when she saw one.

Your stomach did another anxious flip when it was time to get off the train and back up to street level. The fresh air helped a little bit, but it didn’t clear away the truth.

_His mind was made up._

_It was as good as over._

Crossing the street, suddenly an ASSEMBLE alert came through on your phone, so you checked it as soon as you could. There was a message from Tony.

**_Leaving now for a mission so I need you to man the lab. Team’s on radio silence. Duration TBD._ **

**_Take care of my babies. Data on the new design calculations will be ready by tomorrow._ **  

You replied right away. Always worried about his robots, that guy, so it was easy to do what you needed to do.

**_Will do. See you when you get back._ **

Part of you was relieved the team would be gone, because it would give you time to get your things out of Bucky’s place without the awkwardness undoubtedly involved in the _it’s not you it’s me_ phase looming in your near future. Just thinking of the devastating conversation coming your way broke your heart all over again.

You were pulled out of your thoughts minutes later by your phone vibrating again. When you took it out of your pocket there was a photo on the screen of you kissing Bucky’s cheek. It was taken almost a year ago, in the bright mid-day sun at Coney Island during one of your first dates. His eyes were crinkled and his nose was scrunched adorably as a wide, toothy grin lit up his expression. It was your favorite photo of him, so of course you had chosen it for his contact.

You stared at your phone through blurry tears as it continued buzzing in your hand, unable to bring yourself to answer his call. All it would take was him hearing your voice, and he would know you were crying. An upcoming mission wasn’t the time or place to have the conversation you two needed to have. He didn’t know you hears what he said to Steve that morning, and he might be worried about you - at least if you were still going to any kind of friendship after everything was said and done.

God, you hated missions and you just wanted him to get home safe. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you hoped he would have a change of heart and come home still wanting you, but you knew that was just wishful thinking.

Your phone vibrated again, this time with a message from Bucky.

**_Heya Dollface, we got a mission. I gotta go soon but I really need to talk to you when I get back. Dunno how long this time but I’ll try to get word to you as soon as I can. This one's radio silence._**

**_I love you most._ **

_I love you most_ was his little way of winning the _I love you more_ war, a game you two played frequently. This time though, it rang hollow in your heart and you went from broken-hearted to angry in less than a second. He didn't have to lie about it, string you along, but you supposed it was better than a break-up over a text.

You couldn’t bring yourself to get into it with him under the circumstances. Devastated as you were, even if he didn’t want you anymore, even if he was just saying he loved you to get through to the next opportunity to break things off… It didn’t change the fact that you still loved him more than anything, so you hesitated a few times before replying.

You kept going back and forth, unsure what to say; you wanted to beg him to change his mind, promise him that you guys could fix whatever it was that he wasn’t happy with, just give you the chance. You knew that was desperation talking though, and you had too much pride to ever actually say anything like that. Another part of you, the stronger part, wanted to tell him that it was okay, you’d overheard him and Steve talking. He didn't have to pretend just to make you feel better. In the end, you sucked it up long enough to send a simple and honest reply.

**_Be safe Bucky. I love you._ **

Because you did love him. That hadn't chu, and maybe it never would.

There was no response, of course, you probably took too long to reply.

After a short walk, you were at your building and up the stairs. You slid your key into the locks on your front door and entered your bright, airy apartment. It was quiet, almost too quiet, but that was only because your thoughts were so loud. You leaned back against the door after it closed and lightly knocked the back of your head against the wood a couple of times, taking a deep breath and closing your eyes.

This was going to hurt like a bitch, and seeing him around the Tower would be so hard. How was it even possible? You were so in love, and until that morning, you thought Bucky felt the same way.

The speed at which everything changed made your head spin and you ran to the bathroom, emptying the contents of your stomach. You wretched and wretched until there was nothing left, sinking down onto the cool tile and leaning over against the side of the tub as you cried until there were no more tears left.

***

Two weeks later, there still was no word from the team. You were a mess; anxious, not sleeping and feeling like absolute shit. On top of everything else, you were getting the flu. There were dark circles under your eyes and it was hard to go an entire day without tearing up at least a little bit.

You didn’t blame Bucky for being done with you. Hell, even _you_ were starting to get tired of you.

“Hey there,” a feminine voice came from behind you. You straightened from the position you’d taken, hunched over the metal work table, fiddling with one of Tony’s test gauntlets.

Pepper entered the lab unannounced, looking fresh and beautiful as ever, carrying two take-away cups. She offered you one and took a sip from the other before shooting you a concerned look. You knew you looked like hell and a light flush of embarrassment heated your cheeks.

“What’s going on with you, honey? You’ve been like a ghost around here lately,” Pepper said, pulling up a stool and perching on the edge of it.

She was right. The team was gone, but usually during missions, the two of you would have at least one girls night in, relaxing with a couple of glasses of wine. By staying away from the Tower outside of work, you were avoiding Pexperts, too.

You took a drink of the coffee, enjoying the warmth of the liquid as it slid down your throat and into your stomach. You hadn’t been eating much because anything you tried made you want to puke. You were literally the human embodiment of a ball of stress, like a bad country song, stuck in limbo and waiting on heartbreak.

Pepper kept her concerned eyes trained on you and you sighed audibly, steeling yourself in preparation to finally say it out loud. Well, to someone other that DUM-E or U, that was. They listened well but were shit at giving advice.

You fiddled with the paper wrap around your cup and shrugged. “Just not feeling like myself lately, I guess.”

_Lies._

Pepper saw right through it and took another sip of her coffee, watching you patiently. She wasn’t one to let people get away with half-assed answers; hell, she dealt with Tony fucking Stark on a daily basis. No amount of self-deprecation or deliberate vagueness was going to deter her.

Her patient expression began to wane, and you knew you’d be in for it if you didn’t come clean soon.  

“I overheard Bucky and Steve talking, the morning the call came in,” you began quietly. “I really shouldn't have listened, but I guess - I dunno, I’m kinda glad I did.”   

“Hmm... whatever it is, it's really been bothering you. What did he say?”

No better time than the present. “He doesn’t love me anymore.”

Pepper’s brow furrowed and she aborted her next sip, putting her cup down in confusion. She shook her head and a zillion different expressions flew across her face, but she settled back on confusion.

“No. That’s - I can’t imagine - I’m sure you heard him wrong. Did James _actually say_ such a thing?”  

Your bottom lip began trembling as you looked down and hot tears burned in your eyes. God, you were so tired.

“Not verbatim.”

The look that you received in response was one she’d given Tony multiple times. It made you feel smaller than ever.

“So what did he _actually_ say?”

You relayed what you’d heard word for word. Pepper still didn’t look convinced, and you found yourself rambling.

“I don’t understand, Peps. I mean, I know what I heard, but I thought things had been like, _really_ good between us. We even-”

You stopped before saying too much. Pepper was your boss, after all. Even though the two of you had become very close friends over the time you’d worked in the Tower, you going into details of your sex life in the middle of the lab wasn't exactly appropriate.

As your self-appointed big sister, Pepper naturally disagreed.

“You even what?” she pressed, but read right through your hesitation. “It’s me here, okay? Not the CEO, just your friend. Sisters, remember?”

She was right. You sighed and grinned bashfully, cheeks flushing.

“Okay,” you cleared your throat. “So you know I’m not on birth control, right?” She nodded. “Well, I hate condoms, so we’ve always just used _rhythm...”_

There was a look on Pepper’s face that pretty much said _‘you should know better than that’_ and you felt the need to clarify.

“I know it’s dumb, but it works perfectly fine for us. I mean, he has _quite the history,_ but it’s not like I have to worry about STDs, what with the serum and all… And I’ve only been with one other guy.”

“Mhmm…” Pepper encouraged, expression neutral.

“Well, let’s just say I thought we were taking a big step in our intimacy level. And it was _amazing,_ Peps. I mean... I-" you stopped, shaking your head and sighing longingly at the memory. “I’d never felt so close to him, like he gave every part of himself to me, you know? God, that sounds so dumb out loud.”

You took a gulp of your coffee for nothing other than something to do with your mouth than say more embarrassing things out loud.

“The next morning, he was really quiet. Distant, I guess? I dunno, I just got this feeling from him, and he looked... Disappointed? Regretful.” You shrugged, a sad little gesture. “Like he realized I’m not what he wants anymore.”

You took another gulp of coffee and spun the cup lazily in your hand before setting it back down on the table. No sooner did you let go of it than your stomach turned and you were running to the utility sink to vomit.

_Again._

You rinsed your mouth out and leaned forward, putting your cool, wet hands against your face. This shit was getting old; you needed to pull yourself together already, maybe then your anxiety would become more managable.

You’d lost count of how many times you vomited that week. Apparently having a broken heart was good for the numbers on the scale and that was about it. But there was work to do and the hollow ache in your head wasn’t helping your concentration level.

You stood again from the position you’d taken bent over the sink and everything spun. As your vision went dark, you vaguely heard Pepper’s voice calling you in the distance.

***

“Hey there,” Helen greeted from your left.

You turned your head to the side and the room spun, so you closed your eyes with a dry groan. You realized you were in sickbay and there was an IV hooked up to the back of your hand.

_Awesome. What a fucking loser._

“Let me guess,” you croaked out. “I passed out in my own damn lab, right?”

Helen met you with a kind smile and shrugged. “You were pretty dehydrated. How long has it been since you’ve been able to eat or drink regularly?”

“I don’t know, a week? Two maybe, but who's counting?”

“Mhmm, anything else going on? Any changes?” Helen asked, typing something into her tablet after adjusting the flow of the fluids in your IV.

She clearly wasn't impressed by your attempt at humor. You tried shaking your head no, but that didn’t work out too well. Helen laughed in a kind and sympathetic tone.

_Sure, now she's amused._

“I wouldn’t advise shaking your head for a while. You’re only one bag in.”

“Noted,” you grumbled. You rubbed your eyes with the back of your free hand and wiped away more tears. No wonder you were dehydrated. No one cried that fucking much.

“I was able to draw some labs on you once I got that vein, so we’ll have some numbers soon. In the meantime, I want to sit you up and repeat your vitals, okay?”

“Yay, orthostatics,” you snarked with no heat behind it, and Helen rolled her eyes. She sat you up and the room spun, but you’d already complained enough, so you got through it without falling back, through sheer force of stubbornness.

“Wow, that’s a 27 point change. You’re not to get up without assistance, understand?”

“Yes ma’am.”

Pepper walked into the room with her tablet and leather portfolio just after Helen pulled rank with orders. Her eyes brightened when she saw you awake, even though you were being laid back down with assistance.

“How are you feeling now?”

“Awesome.”

“She’s not to get up on her own because she's orthostatic, so until I get her labs back and find the root cause so we can treat her properly, she stays laying down,” Helen said to Pepper, but looked at you pointedly at the end of her instructions. She knew you too well.

“Well, it’s a good thing I can work from anywhere, now isn’t it?” Pepper smiled lovingly to you. “I believe you were told to rest?”

You rolled your eyes. There was no way you’d get away with anything with two mother hens in the vicinity. Honestly, they were worse than Bucky.

_Shit. Not the direction for your brain to take._

“Oh, fuck me...” you grumbled quietly, sniffling and swiping at the tears on your cheeks. You looked over at Pepper, who sat quietly tapping away at her StarkPad. “Any word from the team yet?”

“No, not yet. Hopefully soon.”

You closed your eyes and drifted off, finding the soft tapping sound of Pepper’s fingers against her tablet soothing. Between that and the quick, quiet beeping of your heartbeat on the monitor, you were lulled into the first restful sleep you’d had in far too long.

***

“Wake up, honey,” Pepper called softly, her hand squeezing yours. “Helen needs to talk to you.”

You scrunched your face up and tried to turn over, away from the interruption, but there were leads for monitors stuck everywhere and an IV in your hand. You opened your eyes, but you’d like it noted that the action was very much under duress, okay.

“Time is it?” you asked, realizing the sunset was filtering in through the window.

“Time to test your orthostatics again,” Helen smiled sweetly, and it was only because you knew her as well as you did that you knew she was being a total smart-ass.

“Wow, some bedside manner, Doc.”

Your blood pressure was taken while lying down, then Pepper came to help you sit up. You were a little dizzy still, but not as bad. Halfway through the ordeal, you realized you had to pee.

_Now._

“Oh my God, Helen… Hurry, I gotta pee!” you whined.

“Hush. You can pee in a minute. That’s a good sign though.” You began shaking your foot because you really had to go, and she stood upright, taking the stethoscope out of her ears. “Good, no significant orthostatic changes. You can get up - _slowly,_ got it?”

“Yeah, got it. Oh, thank you!” you sighed, trying your best to think of anything unrelated to liquid as Helen unhooked the monitors. Pepper grabbed the pole that the IV pump was attached to and followed you over to the restroom, making sure you were steady on your feet.

“Oh my God, how many bags of fluid did you _give_ me?” you groaned loud enough for Helen to hear over your current Niagara Falls situation.  

“You're just finishing your third liter; you were extremely dehydrated. Now hurry up in there so we can talk about this.”

“You try telling my bladder that, I think it just refilled!”

Helen and Pepper snickered from the other side of the door, laughing good-naturedly at your exasperation now that you were up and doing better. It wasn’t like they were above giving you shit while you were feeling bad, they just got to enjoy it more once you were back with them.

You flushed and washed your hands as best as you could with an IV in the back of one, and came out, trying to hold the gown closed at the back. You really didn’t feel like giving building surveillance a free show.

“Feeling better?” Helen asked.

“Sorry for being such a shit, guys.”

“I guess you earned it.” Helen looked at Pepper and then back at you, an unspoken question in her eyes.

“It’s fine, Peps can stay. I’m not hiding anything from her.”

Helen waited for you to get settled back in the bed, having mercy on you and not hooking you back up to the cardiac monitor or pulse oximeter.

“Okay, lemme have it, Doc,” you sighed, laying back against the pillow in the half-reclined position you found comfortable. “I know my anxiety’s been through the roof and I haven't been eating well. Is this the part where you say ‘take two of these and call me in the morning’?”

Helen sat on the edge of the bed next to you and shook her head, expression unreadable. “I’m afraid it’s a little more involved than that.”

You furrowed your brow in confusion. As far as you knew, you were overweight, but otherwise, perfectly healthy. Your dad had Type 2 Diabetes, and your older brother had Rheumatoid Arthritis. But you were fine, weren’t you?

“You were severely dehydrated, and it stressed your kidneys a bit. I don’t think that’s going to be anything long-term to worry about, but you know, _considering,_ it’s something I’d like to keep a close eye on.”

“What do you mean, _considering?_ Is everything okay?”

Helen took a soft breath and squeezed your hand, a grin teasing the corners of her mouth and then she broke, smiling widely. “It’s called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. You’re pregnant, _congratulations!”_

“What?” you and Pepper both blurted at the same time. You sat straight up and looked to Pepper, eyes wide in panic.

Helen looked between the two of you, her smile fading when she saw the looks on both of your faces, yours full of trepidation and Pepper looking worried.

“I’m sorry - I thought this would be good news?”

You shook your head and closed your eyes tight. “No. This isn’t happening,” you whispered to yourself. “This can’t be happening.”

“It’s going to be okay, honey,” Pepper murmured, rising to wrap her arms around you. “We’ll figure it out, alright? I promise. The important thing is you’re okay.”

“I didn’t think - uhm, I thought maybe you’d be excited? You and Bucky always seem so happy. Do you guys not want children?” Helen’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “God, I'm so sorry for breaking it to you like that.”

“No. It’s okay,” you replied in a small voice. “It’s not your fault. You're right, we did seem happy, but…” you shrugged instead of finishing the rest of the sentence. Your eyes burned and your lip trembled with the way you tried not to cry.

_Fuck. More tears._

“Let me ask you, when were you due for your period?” Helen asked, changing the subject. “I mean, compared to the levels, you’ve probably missed a few of them already, right?”

“What? No, I - Peps, can I have my phone please?” you asked, opening your period tracker app once she handed it to you.

“Oh my God, I’m ten days late! I didn't even realize - I mean with everything else going on... _Oh my God.”_ You dropped your phone into your lap, your voice dropping to a whisper and buried your face in your hands. You shuddered out a breath, it all felt surreal.

“That’s not possible,” Helen mumbled aloud to no one in particular, her brow furrowing in concentration. The it hit her. “Unless…”

“Unless? You mean it’s possible I’m not pregnant?”

Helen made a face. “Oh no, you’re definitely pregnant. I was going to say... Unless it’s more than one.”

“You’re fucking with me, right?”

You broke out into some very inappropriately timed laughter, Helen and Pepper joining in with you. The sound died down into full awkwardness and you knew she was serious.

You cleared your throat. “When can we find out for sure?”

“If you're ten days late, that puts you at about five and a half weeks, so I can do an ultrasound. We won't see much, but it should be enough to confirm or rule it out.”

You took a deep breath. “Yeah, okay. Let’s do that. Please.”

***

You laid on the table with your legs parted for all God’s glory. At least you were covered with a sheet, but your heart was still pounding right out of your chest, and you felt exposed on an emotional level. Helen held up the wand and showed it to you again after covering it with gel.

“It won’t hurt but it’s not a ton of fun, either.” She shot you a raised brow, silently asking if you were ready and you nodded.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Pepper squeezed your hand when you closed your eyes and grimaced. Helen was right, it wasn’t pleasant. Odd was a better word. Cold, uncomfortable, and awkward was more like it.

“You okay honey?” Pepper asked, covering your hand with her other one, too.

“I’m good.”

You looked over at the monitor and then back at Helen, searching for a clue. It all looked dark and grainy from your vantage point.

“Okay,” she began with a breath. “This is your bladder,” she pointed to a darker area on the screen before maneuvering the wand. “Here’s you left ovary, looks good other than a few small cysts. Has anyone ever told you that you have PCOS?”

“What's that again?"

"Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It sometimes makes it difficult to get pregnant, and you get ovarian pain at times," Helen explained neutrally as she continued the exam.

"My mom had that, I think. She always told me that when I decided to have kids, I might need help with - oh, that’s not pleasant,” you jumped as the wand caused pressure on your bladder. “Now I gotta pee again.”

“I need you to hold it, the distention will put your uterus in better view. Okay, so here's your right ovary. This one's good, no cysts, all clear.” She moved the wand again, angling up and it took every bit of strength in your pelvic floor to control the urge to go.

“Wow, anytime guys!” you chuckled, squeezing your eyes shut. “Think I’m nice and hydrated now.”

“You're going to want to see this,” Helen said quietly, her awestruck tone making your eyes fly open and try to sit up a bit.

There, on the screen, were two tiny lightly colored spots, sitting right next to each other inside a dark oval-ish area. Helen measured the little spots, calling them identical and marking the one on the left Baby A and the one on the right side Baby B.

_Baby. Babies, plural._

_Unbelievable._

Your heart jumped up into your throat and an enormous grin spread across your lips. You felt numb and terrified and overjoyed all at the same time. Pepper was squeezing your hand like crazy and when you looked over at her, there were tears in her eyes, happy tears.

“I - I can't believe it. That's... those are mine? I mean, I did that?” You had to take a deep breath and close your eyes, and when you opened them, you were convinced. It was really happening, but immediately, worry bubbled up in your chest. “Are they okay? Helen, are they healthy?”

She grinned widely. “They look perfect. In fact they're measuring exactly five weeks, three days. This perfectly explains the results being high on your quantitative HCG; levels are higher with multiple gestations.

“Let’s try something before we finish, huh?” she said and fiddled with a few settings on the keyboard. Suddenly the screen changed from black and white to a full spectrum of colors, with two tiny spots of rapid flashing. Immediately you knew what it was.

_Their heartbeats._

Helen pressed a button and you heard a _whooshing_ sound matching the flashes of color, and your tears spilled overas your cheeks flushed, bright and proud. You had just heard their heartbeats for the first time.

_It was real. They were real._

“Thank you for letting me be a part of this,” Helen beamed and you retched out to squeeze her hand too. She finished the study and withdrew the wand. “Let's get you cleaned up, now, huh?”

You nodded, the excited, floating feeling only being interrupted by your bladder. “Can I go to the bathroom now?”

“Yes, yes. You can go again, but you're not getting rid of that IV until I see you eat and drink - and you _have to keep it down.”_

Man, Helen should have been in the Army. The woman could bark orders with the best of them. You took your IV with you to the restroom, and at least this time you were allowed to go by yourself. After cleaning your hands, you returned to the gurney, where both Helen and Pepper waited.

“Does anything in particular sound good?” Pepper asked.

To be honest, nothing did. You didn't feel sick, necessarily, you just had zero appetite. But you knew you had to try to keep something down. It wasn't about you anymore.

“Juice and crackers,” Helen answered for you.

“Oh - uhm, okay.”

Pepper stood, a spring in her step like she was on a mission. “Coming right up,” she grinned, turned on her heel, and was out the door.

“Let’s hope not,” you muttered, making Helen snort in amusement before she handed you a printed photo of your ultrasound. You froze, staring down at the two tiny, perfect dOtis.

Their first photo!

A pang of loneliness hit you straight in the heart and your face fell. You wondered what Bucky would think if he were here with you, but he wasn’t and trying to figure the logistics of sharing your children made you panic with a fierce possessiveness.

You trusted Bucky with your life, and you were positive he’d be a loving father. He was a good man, but that wasn’t the issue. Sharing custody - how would you let them go away for days on end without you?

What about when he found someone else? Because he would. Anyone with half a brain would jump at the opportunity to have a man like him.

Would this new person want to be a part of your children’s lives?

Would they be good to them?

Would they love them?

“Hey, breathe with me, okay?” Helen said in a calming voice. “I don’t know the details, but whatever it is you’re afraid of, it’s going to work out. _You_ will be okay, and you have a lot of people that love you and support you, whatever you choose.”

Your eyes snapped up. “What? No! There’s no way I’m even thinking about that.” You shook your head vehemently. “No. Absolutely not.”

Helen nodded, understanding your determination. A relieved little sigh made it past her lips, betraying the usual stoic clinical facade she wore whenever she was in front of a patient.

The hurried click-click-clicking of Pepper’s heels in the hallway, matching the pounding of your heart interrupted the heavy silence. You looked up just in time to see her breezing in, holding a tall glass of juice in one of her well-manicured hands, and a small box of animal crackers in the other.

“Here you go, I got cranberry from the lounge bar, and Tony’s always got these silly animal crackers stashed everywhere,” Pepper said, eyes bright and expression accomplished.

You forced a small grin and thanked her, doing your level best to hide the panic you felt rising in your chest. God, you really wanted Bucky. You never in a million years thought you’d end up like this, estranged before your little family even had a chance.

_Fuck._

_It was time to suck it up._

You resolutely decided the cranberry juice and crackers would be your newest, bestest friend, and went to work on them like someone stranded on a deserted island. You liked cranberry juice just fine, and, the crackers were decent.

“Woah, easy there. You’re going to make yourself sick again,” Helen warmed when you tried to gulp the juice. “That will defeat the purpose. Small sips, okay?”

Thankfully the juice and crackers did their job and stayed put so you could go home. Before she set you free, Helen gave you strict instructions on what to eat, how much to drink, and what to do if you felt queasy again. If you vomited more than twice in a 24 hour period, you were to return immediately.

“Why don’t you stay here with me?” Pepper suggested.

You shook your head. “Thanks Peps, but I really just want to go home. Tony's tests are back, and I don't have anything in the lab that can't wait, so I'm gonna take the day off tomorrow.”

“Fine, if you insist. But Happy will drive you.”

 


	3. I've Been Missing You Like Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will anything ever get cleared up if Dollface keeps avoiding reality? She's not the only stubborn one, though.

_“Sweetheart, why won't you answer? I'm... I've been missing you like crazy. I came home and your things are gone, like you just ~~~~vanished. I don't understand.”_ You heard him sigh, a sound that belied his worry before he continued, sounding completely defeated. _“Just… just call me back, or text me. Let me know you're okay. Something. I love you.”_

God, you wanted to go to him, throw your arms around him and never let him go. Had he changed his mind? Your heart beat furiously in your throat, and yep, there were the stupid tears again. You knew you couldn't just keep avoiding him forever, besides, you were due back in the lab in just a few hours. If there was one thing for sure, you knew better than to think he _wouldn’t_ just barge in.

The clock was ticking.

Bucky had done as you asked, given you the time you said you needed. It sure as hell wasn't pride you felt when you lied and texted him that you had family stuff to take care of. You simply led him to believe you couldn't see him because you were out of town when the team returned.

It wasn't a _total_ lie, you reasoned.

But sending him to voicemail like that? Texting him a flimsy excuse and then hiding out, falling off the face of the earth? Well, that was pathetic and you were disappointed in yourself, which is precisely why you laid awake tossing and turning all night.

Bucky had been gone on radio silence for almost nine long, grueling weeks. He was able to send a few brief, encrypted messages during that time, telling you everyone was beat up but alive, that they'd all be home soon and that he loved you.

Of course, you were unable to send a reply.

It was sheer hell, the not knowing how long he'd be gone, or where he was and if he would make it home okay, but during that time, you tried preparing for the inevitable. In fact, you _almost_ had yourself convinced you would be fine on your own without him, right up until the moment your phone rang with his photo on your screen. That little voice in the back of your head told you just how full of shit you really were and laughed at your expense, knowing reality was coming like a train with no station in sight.

You couldn't hide forever, and neither could the babies, apparently. At just two months into your pregnancy, you couldn't wear your normal pants anymore. A week later, Helen doubled your nutritional supplements because you still weren't getting enough protein and calories. Even though you were finally eating, you were still consistently losing weight _._ Of course, you argued that you'd been overweight to start, so losing wasn't necessarily a bad thing, right?

***

“What? I'm sure I can live off the land a while longer,” you joked, patting the soft flesh of your hips and thighs.

Helen simply rolled her eyes. She walked over to a tall metal cabinet, and when she returned, handed you more boxes of nutrition bars like the ones you'd seen Bucky and Steve eat after working out.

“You had hyperemesis early on. You're carrying twins. Their father is a _genetically enhanced super soldier._ Need I go on? There's no precedent for this and I don’t like learning things the hard way, unlike some people.”

You really hated it when Helen was right. Most people would think she was quiet, shy, reserved. _Wrong._ Especially when she was in doctor mode.

“One bar a day with your prenatals isn't cutting it, so I want you to double up to twice daily. If you're still losing weight in a week, I'll increase you to one with each meal. Got it?”

 _“Ugh,”_ you complained. They really were awful.

Which brought you to your current situation. Your body had really changed, and rapidly. From the front and back, you were _hot._ Things were pulled taught and your figure was even more of an hourglass, your curves highlighted beautifully. The side view was totally different, though it was your favorite because you could see the changes that the babies were making to your body. Your bElla was hard and round and protruded more every day, jutting straight out. And as for your breasts and rear end? Well, let's just say they hadn't gotten the weight loss memo, because they were perkier and fuller than ever, in the best ways possible.

At only four teen weeks pregnant, it had been blatantly obvious for a while that you were expecting. The babies were perfectly happy announcing themselves to the world, and if you were completely honest with yourself - which didn't happen often anymore - but if you were? Being back in Bucky’s arms was where you most wanted to be.

That morning, though you hadn't slept for shit, you had nervous energy to spare. Your hair and makeup were done up, and you wore your new favorite outfit. The black and white checked maternity capris were super cute with the little black tank; even better was the comfort factor. Paired with your bright red lips, the whole thing had a cute retro vibe to it.

There was still that tiny spark of hope that almost had you convinced it was all just a bad dream, him not wanting you anymore. Problem was, every time you got your hopes up, the words he'd spoken to Steve played back through your head. They were on a continuous loop, always there in the background, ready to destroy any sheed of hope you had.

_I think I maybe fucked up…_

_I don’t wanna keep goin’ on with her like we have been…_

_It doesn’t feel right..._

Those same words were torturing you again that morning when you walked out the front of your building. Your nose was in your phone and you were texting Tony you'd be a little late as you walked right into a wall.

No.

Not a wall, a man?

“I'm sor-” you mumbled as the man deftly caught you with two large hands, one metal and one-

 _“Bucky?”_ you breathed as you looked up into his bloodshot eyes. He looked exhausted, like every nerve ending was frayed.

“Heya Dollface,” he said with a tired grin, nervously rubbing at the back of his neck.

“What are you doing here?” you blurted, arms still instinctively wrapped across your middle since crashing into him. That habit was never going away, though now it was more of a protective cradling gesture than one of insecurity.

A confused, hurt look flashed across his face, but before you had a chance to say anything else, his eyes trailed down your body, coming to rest on your belly. His head cocked to the side and his brow furrowed, hands gently reaching out for your own. He silently unfolded your arms and held them out at your sides so he could see you better.

“A-are you?” he stopped mid-sentence as he sank to his knees on the ground in front of you. Big hands held your hips carefully as though they were made of fine porcelain and a breath hitched in his throat. When he looked into your eyes again, his were wide, shocked. “You’re _pregnant?”_

You snorted in amusement as a nervous laugh broke free, because, _duh._ The White Wolf, Avenger and former Winter Soldier, world-renowned war hero, trained assassin and spy would like to select _Stating the Obvious_ _for $500, Alex._

"Uhm, yeah. I am. Fourteen weeks. Twins.” God, your heart was about to beat out of your chest.

“Oh my God," he breathed. "I-I'm gonna be... Twins? Why didn’t?” he asked in pieces, looking back up at you in disbelief.

As soon as he reached out and palmed the roundness of your belly, there was an unmistakable flutter of movement. It was like they _knew_ him, and for a moment, everything was perfect.

“I couldn’t, Buck,”  you replied tenderly, reaching out and running your fingers through his hair. Apparently you guys were going to have this conversation in two and three word sentences. It was a good thing you were fluent in Bucky.

"Why not?" he asked quietly.

“You were already gone two weeks when I found out.”

“But... you left,” he said, brow furrowing. When he looked back up at you, his eyes were troubled, sad, and the dark circles beneath them were obvious. He hadn't been sleeping either. “Why?”

He stood and the question hit you with a hard dose of reality, your shoulders falling. Your head spun from the quick change in direction, throat tightening and nausea bubbling up in your throat.

A timid answer left your lips. “You don't want me anymore.”

“I don’t _what?_ How could-"

 _“-No._ It's okay, Buck,” you interrupted when he went to argue. “It's okay, I get it. We don't have to pretend this changes anything,” you said, cradling your belly again.

"Why would you even _say_ something like that?”

You rolled your eyes. For once, the mood swings worked to your advantage, and you were pissed that he'd deny what you _clearly_ heard him say to Steve. When you planted your feet and crossed your arms, he narrowed his eyes and his jaw tightened, knowing he was in for it.

“I can't believe you're going to stand there and act like I'm crazy. I _know_ what I heard, Bucky.”

“What you _heard?”_

Oh, that did it. “Yes, what I heard! _Jesus,_ you're really making me do this?”

“Oh my God, making you do _what?”_ he groaned in frustration, pushing his hair back and throwing his hands up in that way he had.

"Fine," you snapped and shoved your hands onto your hips, shifting your weight and shaking your head.

“Tell me if any of this sounds familiar. _‘I don’t wanna keep goin’ on with her like we have been. It doesn’t feel right anymore.’_ Or how about _this_ one? It's my personal favorite,  _‘I think I maybe fucked up.’”_

His expression went from frustration to realization and he laughed a humorless sound, shaking his head. “No. No, that wasn't what you think it was. Oh my God,” he breathed softly, his hand scrubbing down his face and at his stubble. “That's not it at all.”

“So what, you _didn't_ say those things to Steve? You're saying I heard wrong, then?”

“Yeah. That's _exactly_ what I'm sayin’. I did say those things, but-”

“-I don't understand,” you interrupted, voice shaking. "Bucky, none of this makes sense."

You’d heard of pregnancy brain before but what was happening was ridiculous. Tears burned hot behind your eyes and your frustration was giving way to that old familiar heartache. You wanted to be wrong about it. God, you wanted that so badly for so long, but it just didn't make any sense.

Why would he say such awful things?

“I told Steve-” he stopped and reached out gently, taking your hands in his as he went back to his knees. “I said those things _because_ I fucked up, sweetheart. It's that I should’a done this a long time ago.”

The look in his eyes held all the love you'd ever been given, all the protection, the good, the bad, the past and hope for the future. Your head swam and your heart beat furiously against your chest as you realized what he was doing.

“I love you more than anything. I never thought a woman as smart and kind and goddamned beautiful as you would look twice at a guy like me. But you did. You gave me a life, a hope for things I used to only dream of.

“I promise I'll take care of you," his eyes went back to your belly and he smiled wide, chest swelling with pride as he continued, "of our family, always. I don't deserve you, but I'm sure as hell not gonna let that stop me. Never again.”

Bucky blew out a nervous breath, and you didn't think you could breathe at all. When he finally looked up and said those words, you couldn't contain the tears any longer.

“Will you marry me?”

“A-are you sure? Not just because... I mean, are you really, really sure, Buck?” you cried, pulling him up and into a desperate kiss, tears spilling down your cheeks.

Bucky wrapped you up in his strong arms and kissed you back, matching your desperation. His kiss was warm, passionate and tender, lips just a little chapped like they always were after a grueling mission. They were perfect.

 _He_ was perfect.

You couldn't believe your luck and you kissed him again for all your worth.

“Oh my God,” you groaned, burying your face into his chest when you finally parted. You couldn't believe how dumb you'd been. The pain and heartbreak you put yourself through by jumping to conclusions... It was all for nothing.

“I'm sorry, Bucky. I was so stupid.”

“No, Doll. Please don’t apologize, it’s my fault.” Bucky let go with one arm and dug in his pocket, pulling out a beautiful, simple solitaire engagement ring. “I've been carrying this around for months, I just never had the courage to, until that day. It's what I was talking to Steve about. But then the mission came and-”

You cut him off with another kiss. There was no sense in looking to the past, blaming yourselves, not when the future held so much promise.

“So is that a yes?” he breathed softly against your mouth.

“Yes Bucky,” you whispered the magic words. “I love you.”

“I love you most.”

**Author's Note:**

> BTDubs, unsafe sex ain't too bright. Unless you're clean, committed and ready for consequences. 
> 
> Anyhoo.


End file.
